I have followed your career since I was a little girl. I was watching the draft with my dad that day in 1992 when you got first overall pick and became one of the Orlando Magic. I adored you--a giant handsome man with a big smile and a rhyming name.
Wikipedia tells me that you spent much of the summer of 92 learning some moves from Magic Johnson.
Magic was my love. I thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.
I liked to pretend that Magic Johnson was my boyfriend, but I liked to pretend that you were my friend. I thought it would be fun to hang out with you. I thought we could play some hoops and you'd lift me up to the rim so I could dunk like you.
Fast forward nearly twenty years. You're still delighting me. You're making me laugh on Twitter. You're performing straight-up brilliant freestyle raps dissing Kobe Bryant. And recently, you did the best thing yet.
That's it, Shaq. We need to be best friends.
We finally live in the same city. I just moved to Boston too. Do you like the cold weather? I do not like the cold weather.
We have a lot in common. I've lived in Louisiana and Texas too. I also like to get drunk and freestyle rap, but I'm not nearly as good as you. And when I was a kid I was one of the tallest kids in my class, so I totally know how it feels to be you.
I like to make silly videos too. I have an idea for your next one. It should feature me, you, and Snoop Dogg. I feel like he's really the perfect person to round out our friend group. You can dress up as the female vocalist of your choice, Snoop Dogg can dress as a Sesame Street Character,
and I'll dress as a cat.
I'm always a cat.
We can do a passionate lip synch to some old school Janet Jackson in the backseat of whatever enormous car you happen to be riding in that day. I'll even let you pick the song.
Or if you've had enough of dressing up, you can come to my house and I'll fix some New Orleans-style barbeque shrimp for you and me and my husband, Nick. He's pretty cool too--you'll like him. I have to warn you though, our apartment is pretty small.
So anyway, hit me up on Twitter if you want to hang out some time--I'm @quidquidkatie. I'm pretty busy with my new job, and as I understand it, you are too, but I'm sure we can find some time.
Who are your imaginary celebrity bffs?