Sunday, February 24, 2013

my celebrity rider

The other day, my work wife and muse Stephanie said the following essential sentence to me: "I would have the dopest celebrity rider." Those seven words were enough to finally snap me out of my months-long blog silence.

As I'm sure you know, celebrities often send a list of requirements for their comfort to a venue prior to their appearance. You can browse a whole bunch of riders on The Smoking Gun in case you're curious--and you should be. These things are amazing.

The public visibility of riders started with Van Halen's famous request for a bowl of M&Ms with all the brown ones picked out. It is said that these silly requests are meant to gauge how comptent and attentive the staff is at each venue. But then you learn that Prince requires a doctor on call to administer him a B12 shot, or that Barbara Streisand insists that each arena undergo a full K9 police team sweep before she'll enter, and it makes you wonder if celebrities really just want to savor the fruits of being rich, important, and a little insane.

So, without further adieu, I bring to you my very own celebrity rider. Just in case any of you were planning to hire me for a speaking engagement or bat mitzvah or anything.

  • 3–4 ice sculptures of early classical period Greek warships filled with Alaskan maki rolls (hold the scallions)
  • large cut-crystal bowl filled with Dweebs candy. (These have not been available for purchase since approximately 1994 so plan ahead.)
  • brushed aluminum SubZero minifridge full of nothing but neat rows of Dom Perignon, Evian and Diet Dr. Pepper. Freezer should contain Oreo ice cream sandwiches, which KMJD will consume surreptitiously. Staff is forbidden to acknowledge these ice cream sandwiches nor look directly at KMJD while she is eating them.
  • black cashmere hoodie and black cashmere pajama pants, in size XL with tag cut out and replaced with M tag. Should be warm from dryer when KMJD arrives and accompanied by some kind of amusing plush novelty slipper in a ladies size 9.5.
  • assortment of artisanal hot pink wigs and locally produced headwear with animal ears. (ABSOLUTELY NO Mickey Mouse ears, as they make KMJD feel upset)
  • complete Baby-Sitters Club series (MUST include Super Specials, Mysteries optional, no Little Sister), shelved in numerical order, and author Ann M. Martin available on call to answer questions about Claudia’s outfits
  • basket of hypoallergenic designer puppies with red satin ribbons tied around their necks (at least one border collie is recommended)
  • two canaries (yellow or green, NOT orange) in a vintage wire cage that have been trained to sing the Golden Girls theme song and "Mardi Gras Mambo"
  • 10-20 Calico Critters toys, new in package. See attached list for the ones KMJD thinks are weird; these should be avoided
  • all staff should be dressed in pink satin bomber jackets. See visual reference below. If pink satin bomber jackets of an appropriate quality cannot be located and personalized in time, sequined figure skating dresses are an acceptable substitute. Staff should also have > 1 inch visible roots. Body glitter recommended.

DISCUSSION QUESTION: What would be on your rider?