my celebrity rider

The other day, my work wife and muse Stephanie said the following essential sentence to me: "I would have the dopest celebrity rider." Those seven words were enough to finally snap me out of my months-long blog silence.

As I'm sure you know, celebrities often send a list of requirements for their comfort to a venue prior to their appearance. You can browse a whole bunch of riders on The Smoking Gun in case you're curious--and you should be. These things are amazing.

The public visibility of riders started with Van Halen's famous request for a bowl of M&Ms with all the brown ones picked out. It is said that these silly requests are meant to gauge how comptent and attentive the staff is at each venue. But then you learn that Prince requires a doctor on call to administer him a B12 shot, or that Barbara Streisand insists that each arena undergo a full K9 police team sweep before she'll enter, and it makes you wonder if celebrities really just want to savor the fruits of being rich, important, and a little insane.

So, without further adieu, I bring to you my very own celebrity rider. Just in case any of you were planning to hire me for a speaking engagement or bat mitzvah or anything.

• 3–4 ice sculptures of early classical period Greek warships filled with Alaskan maki rolls (hold the scallions)
• large cut-crystal bowl filled with Dweebs candy. (These have not been available for purchase since approximately 1994 so plan ahead.)
• brushed aluminum SubZero minifridge full of nothing but neat rows of Dom Perignon, Evian and Diet Dr. Pepper. Freezer should contain Oreo ice cream sandwiches, which KMJD will consume surreptitiously. Staff is forbidden to acknowledge these ice cream sandwiches nor look directly at KMJD while she is eating them.
• black cashmere hoodie and black cashmere pajama pants, in size XL with tag cut out and replaced with M tag. Should be warm from dryer when KMJD arrives and accompanied by some kind of amusing plush novelty slipper in a ladies size 9.5.
• assortment of artisanal hot pink wigs and locally produced headwear with animal ears. (ABSOLUTELY NO Mickey Mouse ears, as they make KMJD feel upset)
• complete Baby-Sitters Club series (MUST include Super Specials, Mysteries optional, no Little Sister), shelved in numerical order, and author Ann M. Martin available on call to answer questions about Claudia’s outfits
• basket of hypoallergenic designer puppies with red satin ribbons tied around their necks (at least one border collie is recommended)
• two canaries (yellow or green, NOT orange) in a vintage wire cage that have been trained to sing the Golden Girls theme song and "Mardi Gras Mambo"
• 10-20 Calico Critters toys, new in package. See attached list for the ones KMJD thinks are weird; these should be avoided
• all staff should be dressed in pink satin bomber jackets. See visual reference below. If pink satin bomber jackets of an appropriate quality cannot be located and personalized in time, sequined figure skating dresses are an acceptable substitute. Staff should also have > 1 inch visible roots. Body glitter recommended.

DISCUSSION QUESTION: What would be on your rider?

Days of our Loyns

“To be ranked in the top 10 among southern universities for 20 years in a row is quite an accomplishment and reflective of the hard work and commitment of our students, faculty and staff."
-Kevin Wm. Wildes, S.J., Ph.D., President of Loyola University New Orleans

When it came time to pick a university, I had the best. idea. ever. Why not go to college in New Orleans?

My fellow Honors students, largely out-of-staters like myself, spent much of our first weeks of school marveling at our brilliant idea. How did no one else think of this??? we'd exclaim, our mouths full of crusty Po Boys and bellies full of beer.


we are GENIUSES (thanks losanjealous)

I loved Loyola. I loved the people, the classes, the music, the food, the culture, and most of all, the city that provided the setting for my golden undergrad years. I left my heart in New Orleans that muggy May day in 2005 when I moved away for good.

One of my college buddies told me today I should check out an article in The Maroon, Loyola's school paper. While reading the story of ADG's mysterious removal from campus and Sig Ep's suspension for the fall semester, I typed my own name into the Archives search box to see what came up.

Oh, the treasures. OHHHHH the treasures! Four uniquely hilarious remnants of my undergrad days.


4/7/05: ROBERTS A FINALIST FOR TRUMAN; JONES WINS MELLON FELLOWSHIP

This article is a dual-pronged shoutout to me and my girl Abby Roberts. We were ballin pretty hard in 2005. Abby was a finalist for the Truman Fellowship, and I had just scored the big Andrew W. Mellon Fellowship in Humanities. I was, as we liked to say, a mellow felon.


oh yes. that was a good look.

What on earth could be funny about a straight-ahead news story about scholarships?

"If I was a movie star, Davina would be my manager. She guided me through literally dozens of applications for fellowships."

What a f#$%in soundbite, huh?? Davina was the greatest mentor of all time, and if I found myself in need of someone to manage a nascent acting career I would be calling Davina first, but WHAT MADE ME SAY THIS TO A REPORTER? Out of the mouths of babes...


11/6/03: STUDENT BLOGGERS EXPOSE PERSONAL LIVES ON NET

Why, yes! That IS my hideous hairdo in the photo that accompanies this article! Thank you for noticing!



Isn't it super meta of me to be using my blog to link to an article where I comment about the New and Mysterious Phenomenon of Weblogging? Katie-generated gems of wisdom include:

"[Blogs are] kind of contagious. You read one of your friend's blogs that have cute pictures and mood icons, and you can't help but want one."

and

"It's a lot easier to be passive-aggressive and say inappropriate things on the Internet than to actually face reality. That goes along with the territory of blogging."



11/5/04: REACH OUT AND POKE SOMEBODY

Having already demonstrated my considerable expertise with social media, it is no surprise that the Maroon clamored to get my sage opinion when a new phenomenon called The Facebook swept campus by storm in 2004.

Katie Jones, classical studies senior, said she checks Thefacebook.com once a day to see if she has any new friends.



On the plus side, I did make a pretty spot-on prediction:

"Once Loyola picks up on (Thefacebook.com) more, it will be huge," Jones said."



9/4/03: GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH: GO TO CLASS by Katie Jones

My darling college roommate Joe worked for the Maroon, which somehow yielded my being asked to write an editorial.

The 2nd anniversary of 9/11 was a week away. Bush had just called the war in Iraq a "catastrophic success." I was living in the most vibrant, wonderful city basically on earth ever.

So what did I write my editorial about? Going to class.

You really just need to read the editorial. Look, here's the link again. I have wanted to reread this article for a long time, and I have to say it aged pretty well. I really enjoyed reading it lo these many years later. My dear friends will know that all of the hypothetical situations mentioned are taken basically verbatim from our freshman year.

Reading this editorial really took me back to those warm, spicy days. My wonderful friends and all the things I learned. The crawfish boils and the shotgun houses. The streetcar rides and sunrise nights. The shenanigans and the debauchery. I miss those days.

And that side ponytail I'm rockin in the photo? A catastrophic success.

Discussion Question:
What are your favorite remnants from your college days?

:15, :14, :13...

Underappreciated solo effort by fellow attention whore Geri Halliwell/Ginger Spice

Things happen in threes, right? Like...celebrity deaths? And...the Holy Trinity?

Something interesting happened in triplicate recently. Over the last three days, my husband and I have been in three big news stories!


BREAKING NEWS ITEM #1: Landing gear problems on our flight from ATL to KC

On Saturday, Nick and I flew up to Kansas City to visit my darling grandmother in northern Missouri. Neither of us are crazy about flying but we considered the 14-hour drive for a weekend trip to be a bit egregious even for us. Our Delta flight (1163) was pretty unremarkable until we started our descent. We got near the airport and then...flew past it. Alert people on the plane started to look a little alarmed. One by one the copilots strode purposefully toward the back of the plane and opened a small hatch. For a moment it felt like the cabin was losing pressure. The flight attendants started to look a little nervous. We flew past the airport again, and then again, so low and close it seemed like we could just jump out, thank you. They finally said over the intercom that there was some issue with the landing gear. People shifted nervously in their seats. After a few more loops past the airport, they finally put the plane down on a runway lined with police cars and ambulances. Turns out it was just a problem with the landing gear sensor and not the the gear itself, which they apparently ascertained by flying right past air traffic control so they could see if the gear was down. Is that seriously the emergency procedure? How much could they really see when we're whooshing by at 400 miles an hour? Whatever. I'm just glad we lived to tell the tale. Nick and I were a little rattled but had already mostly forgotten about it when we heard a report about our flight on NPR national. Which was weird. And cool. Read the boring AJC article


BREAKING NEWS ITEM #2: My husband is in the SUNDAY NEW YORK TIMES!

Have I ever mentioned that I am married to a genius? Nick programs robots. His research is particularly focused on human-robot interaction and the way robots and humans learn from each other. Apparently the New York Times came to his lab at Georgia Tech to check out Simon, the robot he's been working on with his colleagues for the last two years under the watchful eye of Dr. Andrea Thomaz. The article is pretty interesting, but what I like most of all is that a PHOTO OF NICK AND SIMON LEADS THE ARTICLE!



Incredible, incredible. There's also a blurb about the Media Lab at MIT, where Nick will be starting in the fall. By the way, if anyone has a copy of the Sunday Times laying around, PLEASE hold onto it for me! We were in the middle of nowhere on Sunday and couldn't find a Sunday Times to save our lives. Read the article!!!


BREAKING NEWS ITEM #3: Our wedding is featured on Offbeat Brides!

Aaand on Monday night, I got word that our wedding was going to be featured on Offbeat Bride! I absolutely adore this website--it features unusual weddings of all stripes and it is hands-down the best website for wedding inspiration, as far as I'm concerned. As soon as we got our incredible wedding photos back, I wrote up a profile and submitted it to Offbeat Bride. Now, almost a year later, here it is! And I have to admit, I really enjoyed reading it! Click here to read it for yourself.


lol check out the tags: BRIDES IN GLASSES, CANDY, CHURCH WEDDING, HAT, NON-MATCHING BRIDESMAIDS, RECEPTION DRESS, SECULAR, TENNESSEE WEDDING, TUXEDO

So I think our stock is up. Think I could parlay all this publicity into a guest spot on Law & Order: SVU?

Discussion question: Discuss your brushes with fame. Links encouraged.

La Photographie Nashville contest!

The absolutely wonderful Stephanie Saujon Baltz of La Photographie Nashville sent me word this week that the photo above won her blog's Best Wedding Photo of 2009 contest! That might have been influenced by the fact that my ~550 facebook friends and hundreds of girls from Stay Sassy took the time to vote for it. I appreciate it so much!

Anyway, the prize for winning is a 16 x 20 print, and Stephanie surprised me with the news that I could pick any of my wedding photos to have blown up! It only took me a moment to choose. I had to go with the amazing group shot of everyone at the reception (which is best seen great big but which I will thumbnail here anyway):



and not just because it is awesomely reminiscent of the scary old picture of the hotel patrons from The Shining:



and not just because it makes me want to sing this song when I see it:



white people, havin' fuuuuuuuun

This picture is heirloom-quality wonderful. Stephanie had to climb a precarious ladder to the DJ booth to take this picture! She really was absolutely the greatest wedding photographer a girl could ask for. She was sunny and friendly wonderful to work with, and most of all, her photos came out amazing. You can check out some of the best shots here.



our wedding in 50 photographs (a flickr album)
May 16, 2009
Nashville, TN

you'd think I was done posting my wedding photos all over the internet but you'd be wrong. you'd be so wrong.