Thursday, February 9, 2012

Ways I would die in the Hunger Games



I just read The Hunger Games for the first time, and despite the fact that I longed to edit nearly every page of it, I really enjoyed reading it. But I couldn't help but think as I read it what a terrible contestant I would be in a fight to the death.

For this reason, I present to you

TEN WAYS I WOULD DIE IN THE HUNGER GAMES




-Shot with blowdart while running for pink backpack with Hello Kitty decal at Cornucopia

-Knocked over head with rock when given away by aroma of shrimp and grits cooking over fire

-Speared while tucked into a tree writing a poem about my feelings

-Beaten to death when neon pink Doc Martens prove to be ineffective camouflage

-Bled out after shooting self in leg with crossbow sent by well-meaning fans

-Mauled in hand-to-hand combat with a groosling

-Gangrene from Bedazzler injury stemming from attempt to to sass up my uniform

-Poisoned by what appeared to be a wild katniss but was in fact a discarded tennis shoe

-Tried to make friends with especially cute tracker jacker

-Collapsed into immobile, sobbing heap the moment the games begin; dog-piled by other tributes

Discussion Question:
How would you die in the Hunger Games?

22 comments:

  1. requests family pack of pop-tarts from fans; died of malnourishment and thirst

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  2. edited:

    requests family pack of pop-tarts from fans; dies of disappointment when they are the wrong flavor

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  3. GODDAMN PUMPKIN POP-TARTS! THIS IS NO TIME FOR LIMITED RELEASE MARKETING! I NEED STRAWBERRY IF I AM TO SURVIVE!

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  4. cue cannon for JSJ's untimely demise

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  5. Distracted by nearby burly, competent man long enough for him to kill me.

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  6. (at least the writing wasn't *quite* as bad as stephenie meyer's :) but yeah, it left something to be desired.)

    incapacitated by caffeine withdrawal, eviscerated by mutts after lying on the ground for several days too achy and grumpy to move.

    ReplyDelete
  7. With her last breath, she whispered, "Have them send coffee..." before the cannon rang through the air

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    Replies
    1. "May she move on to a happier place, where coffee runs from the tap and headache medicine really works..."

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  8. After the helicopter had lifted away the body, Mary Jane lept lightly from the lowest branch of the tree as dusk began to fall. Swiftly she gathered the last pieces of JSJ's discarded Pop Tarts and tucked them into her napsack. She knew that the pumpkin filling would complement the last of the grouse and cover some of the burnt flavor. She had to go hunting again. A cannon sounded. Skirting the edge of the shadows cast by the forlorn moon, Mary Jane cast her eyes through the darkling forest, seeking the body. She found her as she expected she would: Katie, in a pool of her own blood, with an arrow piercing her leg. Quickly gathering up the crossbow and arrows, she carefully removed the exquisite pink Doc Martens. Knowing that she had but moments to spare, she gathered the pale white flowers which reflected the moonlight and placed them around Katie's head, singing an Indigo Girls song. The helicopter approached, and she slunk into the darkness to hunt, tears streaming down her face, shiny Docs on her feet.

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    Replies
    1. LOLOLOLOL MARY JANE THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER WRITTEN ON MY BLOG INCLUDING ME A+++++++++

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    2. I take this to mean, Mary Jane, that you don't think you'd die at all?

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  9. I would totally be the girl dying from lack of coffee. Also, I like that you're sneaking your Docs and a bedazzler in with you instead of a machine gun.

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  10. Hair set aflame by fireball during impromptu stand-up routine from a treetop.

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    Replies
    1. "What is the DEAL with this wall of flames?"

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  11. WHOA I guess blogger finally got embedded comments! Welcome to the twenty-first century!

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  12. Nick DePalma: --autotrapped; trapped self in elaborate trap during trap setting

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  13. Bone-itis. I would die from bone-itis. I'd be totally boned.

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    Replies
    1. Wait: Auto-erotic asphyxiation. That one too. Both at once, they exhibit co dominance, I believe.

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