my celebrity rider

The other day, my work wife and muse Stephanie said the following essential sentence to me: "I would have the dopest celebrity rider." Those seven words were enough to finally snap me out of my months-long blog silence.

As I'm sure you know, celebrities often send a list of requirements for their comfort to a venue prior to their appearance. You can browse a whole bunch of riders on The Smoking Gun in case you're curious--and you should be. These things are amazing.

The public visibility of riders started with Van Halen's famous request for a bowl of M&Ms with all the brown ones picked out. It is said that these silly requests are meant to gauge how comptent and attentive the staff is at each venue. But then you learn that Prince requires a doctor on call to administer him a B12 shot, or that Barbara Streisand insists that each arena undergo a full K9 police team sweep before she'll enter, and it makes you wonder if celebrities really just want to savor the fruits of being rich, important, and a little insane.

So, without further adieu, I bring to you my very own celebrity rider. Just in case any of you were planning to hire me for a speaking engagement or bat mitzvah or anything.

• 3–4 ice sculptures of early classical period Greek warships filled with Alaskan maki rolls (hold the scallions)
• large cut-crystal bowl filled with Dweebs candy. (These have not been available for purchase since approximately 1994 so plan ahead.)
• brushed aluminum SubZero minifridge full of nothing but neat rows of Dom Perignon, Evian and Diet Dr. Pepper. Freezer should contain Oreo ice cream sandwiches, which KMJD will consume surreptitiously. Staff is forbidden to acknowledge these ice cream sandwiches nor look directly at KMJD while she is eating them.
• black cashmere hoodie and black cashmere pajama pants, in size XL with tag cut out and replaced with M tag. Should be warm from dryer when KMJD arrives and accompanied by some kind of amusing plush novelty slipper in a ladies size 9.5.
• assortment of artisanal hot pink wigs and locally produced headwear with animal ears. (ABSOLUTELY NO Mickey Mouse ears, as they make KMJD feel upset)
• complete Baby-Sitters Club series (MUST include Super Specials, Mysteries optional, no Little Sister), shelved in numerical order, and author Ann M. Martin available on call to answer questions about Claudia’s outfits
• basket of hypoallergenic designer puppies with red satin ribbons tied around their necks (at least one border collie is recommended)
• two canaries (yellow or green, NOT orange) in a vintage wire cage that have been trained to sing the Golden Girls theme song and "Mardi Gras Mambo"
• 10-20 Calico Critters toys, new in package. See attached list for the ones KMJD thinks are weird; these should be avoided
• all staff should be dressed in pink satin bomber jackets. See visual reference below. If pink satin bomber jackets of an appropriate quality cannot be located and personalized in time, sequined figure skating dresses are an acceptable substitute. Staff should also have > 1 inch visible roots. Body glitter recommended.

DISCUSSION QUESTION: What would be on your rider?

dancin in the dark

At a Paul Simon concert in Toronto on May 7th, fan Rayna Ford screamed out a request for the song "Duncan," calling out that she had learned to play the guitar on the tune. Paul heard her and pulled her up on stage to have her sing the song. I dare you to watch this and not choke up a little:


Thanks to Sammy Jane Allison for linking me to this great story about it on NPR.

You can feel the soaring joy and trembling disbelief as she straps Paul's guitar on and starts strumming along. She finds her rhythm as she goes, but her performance punctuated with irrepressible moments of giddy gratitude. She can't believe it. Paul Simon is watching her play "Duncan." She brings the house down with tears streaming down her face.

It's hard not to imagine yourself in the same position. Admit it. You've been fantasizing over it ever since the first time you saw Bruce Springsteen pull Courteney Cox onstage in the "Dancing in the Dark" video.


How impossibly young and gorgeous are they in this video??

It's so easy to imagine it. I'm a few rows back at a Lil Wayne concert, wired on sheer excitement and squinting through the plumes of smoke issuing out of the fog machine. Between songs, I scream out SWIZZZZZZZYYYYY! PLAY SWIZZY! Weezy squints out at the audience with his hands shielding his eyes from the stage lights, wondering who has requested such a deep track--a true fan. He catches sight of me and grins, the rainbow of pulsing lights glinting off his grill. Out of nowhere, the helicopter-chop crescendo of the beginning of the track booms out of the wall of speakers. Weezy points at me and gestures for me to join him on stage, laughing. I point at myself (who, me?) and then laugh, shaking my head (no, I couldn't) as my friends push me up towards the stage.

I jump up on stage with the help of a few refrigerator-sized security guards. I give Weezy the most effortless hip-hop hand-clasp-then-hug greeting with a familiar smile and a wink, and then like magic a golden mic appears in my hand. I'm a little taller than Weezy, so I throw my arm around his shoulder, resting on his dreads, as I furiously spit the opening lines:

You know me I just be chillin in the Phantom
Listenin to opera
Gun is my bodyguard
Call it Kevin Costner

Weezy laughs in disbelief at my unexpectedly tight flow. He slugs me on the shoulder jovially to indicate his appreciation, mouthing the words as I rapid-fire spit them like I've been practicing for this every day of my life. (Which I definitely haven't.)

When I reach the final lines (WEEZY THE BEAST! KATIE THE MONSTER! And we're gone.), Weezy lifts his chain off of his neck and places it around mine. There are so many diamonds on it that it actually makes a soft bling blingbling sound. The crowd loses it, nearly knocking us backwards with their adoration. Weezy and I forget the encore and head straight to his bus to start working on my album.


Bonus: scroll up and watch Bruce and Courteney dance to "Swizzy."

Discussion Question::
Which musician would you most want to be pulled onstage by?