Photo from Awkward Family Photos
Like every good 1980s girl, I had a Cabbage Patch Kid or two. I loved them--yarn hair, creepily vacant eyes, tattooed asses and all. But I never stopped to wonder where they came from.
There is actually an unnecessarily complex mythology surrounding the origins of the franchise. I won't attempt to summarize but suffice it to say that it involves a ten-year-old boy starting an orphanage to save the Cabbage Patch Kids from slave labor in a gold mine. However, what I'm talking about here is an even more improbable creation story. And this creation story is true.
In northern Georgia, there is a small town called Cleveland. In this town, there is a magical place.
Sort of like Tara...okay not really.
Yes, Babyland General Hospital is the birthing, nursery, and adoption center for Cabbage Patch Kids. You can go for free and see a Cabbage Patch Kid being born.
How I went virtually my entire life without knowing this fact is beyond me.
But wait, you are no doubt saying to yourself. How exactly is a Cabbage Patch Kid born?
I'm glad you asked. I'm going to turn it over to the poorly written Wikipedia article for a moment.
The Magic Crystal Tree and Mother Cabbage, from whom all Cabbage Patch Kids flow
So some rabbit-bee creatures fertilize some cabbages and then a magic crystal tree gives birth to some human children with the help of a nurse? And the cabbages get shot up with an experimental drug? I can't believe I'm saying this but this is better than Teen Mom.
Let's see the blessed event unfold for ourselves:
As far as I'm concerned, the greatest horror in all of this is the names. Cabbage Patch Kids have the least euphonious names ever. If you go to www.cabbagepatchkids.com you can see an ever-refreshing slideshow of birth announcements.
Wait...she was born with pigtails?
ACTUAL CABBAGE PATCH KID NAMES:
Glendonn Ragan (A FEMALE NAME)
And finally, bleak vision of the future:
What if this is what happens to bad people when they die?
This post is missing a huge shoutout to Mary Nell, who is responsible for alerting me to the existence of Babyland General Hospital. Once my disbelief gave way, we discovered via a quick Google search that someone out there had gone and done the most brilliant thing ever:
Can you cobble together even one respectable name out of the names listed above?