Wednesday, June 22, 2011

so yesterday

I am sick to death with some kind of evil sore throat and all I have the energy to do is sit here in my tatty Lindsay Lohan hoodie (yes, the very same one she's wearing above) and discuss the relative merits of pop singles released by famous actresses in the 2000s.

It's a topic that's close to my heart.

Most of these songs are dreadful, it's true. But others are underappreciated pop gems that deserve a closer look.

The thumbs-down songs largely speak for themselves. What is there to say about, say, the almost eerie soullessness (and palpable sense of effort) of Gweneth Paltrow's recent foray into singing?

Or the unbearable tinny monotony of Kim Kardashian's debut single?

they playin my jam they playin my jam they playin my jam they playin my jam they playin my jam they playin my jam they playin my jam they playin my jam turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up turn it up dj

Or even Scarlett Johansson's cover of "Falling Down" from her album of nothing but Tom Waits covers (besides the fact that it is, objectively, one of the worst songs of all time?)

Ugh. Okay. Have a little ginger or something to cleanse your palate, and get ready for the good ones.

"Stars Are Blind" by Paris Hilton (2006)

I know what you're thinking. But listen to it first.

Tell me that isn't an effortless, chill, beachy, summery song. Nice reggae vibe without trying to riff too hard on Bob. The video is a not-entirely-successful ripoff of "Wicked Game" but I gotta say, I'm not mad at it. I think this song represents Paris Hilton at her most likeable. I realize that this is a low bar but I stand by my statement. And I'm not alone on this one: critics kind of can't help but like it.

"Rumors" by Lindsay Lohan (2004)

This video was shot at the height of Lilo's voluptuous redheaded appeal. She's 18 years old, famous as all get out, and feisty as hell.

Okay, the song is kind of meh. But the video is pure mid-2000s poppery, from the blatant product placement to the miniskirt-intensive rooftop choreographed breakdown at the end.

Basically, this video is a must-watch for anyone who considers themselves a fan of either (1) shiny things or (2) boobs.

She's no Madonna, but she comes off looking pretty cool, at least by 2004 standards. Compared to her film career, I think we have to chalk this one up as a modest success. modest the right word?

"So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff (2003)

Hilary Duff was sixteen when "So Yesterday" came out, and I think it's surprisingly age-appropriate.

Can you believe how dressed she is in the video? After watching "Rumors," Hilary looks like a nun in her jeans and long-sleeved jacket.

What can I say? Ever since I first heard this song's clever phrasing and reassuring message, it's been one of my secret go-to cheer-me-up songs.

(Confidential to Hilary Duff: The teeshirt thing was creepy.)

Readers, I leave you with a quandry. A Jennifer Love quandry.

If you don't remember this song, don't fret. It's not early dementia. This song peaked at 124 on the American pop charts in 2002. I am fairly certain that I am probably one of twelve people on Earth who are aware of this song.

I truly can't decide if this song should be chalked up as a win or a lose for Jennifer Love Hewitt. The song is pretty bad, as is the video. But, she's wearing a fierce outfit and seems to be trying out a little bit of an edge, which is commendable. Most importantly, I heard this song probably three times when it came out in 2002 and I've never forgotten it. As an editor, I know that "memorable" is one of the best compliments you can give to a piece of artwork.

JLH has a pretty illustrious acting career. She was on Kids Incorporated, for pete's sake. Does "BareNaked" [editor's note: yes, this is actually how the title of the song is styled] live up to her acting resume?

Your vote.

Discussion Question:
"BareNaked" by Jennifer Love Hewitt: a Jennifer Love win or a Jennifer Love lose?

quidquid quidquid, always tackling today's relevant issues.


  1. LiLo love doesn't stop with shiny things and boobs - she's just an awesome personality to watch and be interested in as well :-)

  2. This is why we're married.

    Signed, the girl slumped over beside you in the Lilo hoodie

  3. Definitely downloaded that JLH song on KaZaA back in the day (I was too cool for Master)

  4. I am excited that we share this. I propose matching JLH tats. I know the perfect place for them.

  5. I had BareNaked stuck in my head the other morning, perhaps you saw my tweet?

    I love both of Lindsay Lohan's albums. I preordered (PREORDERED) A Little More Personal, hahahahaha.

  6. I'm pretty happy about BareNaked with the sound off. Call it a shitty laptop win.
    Also, I'm bringing an "Everything's smaller in Massachusetts" t-shirt and a camera next trip.

  7. omg Tanie, I did NOT see that tweet, or else I would have lost my shit all over it.

    Katya, my little teddy graham, nothing would look more ridiculous on me than an "Everything's Smaller in Mass" shirt.

  8. "Barenaked" definitely has the quality of getting stuck in your head, but I think it lacks the quality of not sounding like crap. And, while JLH is sassy enough in her video, she falls short of LiLo's exemplary precedent for hooter-flaunting. So I would call the song a JLH lose.

    I agree that Paris' music is surprisingly good, and the song and video combination work pretty well with her particular style of celebrity glamour and sexiness.

    Hope you feel better soon. :)

  9. To be fair, I think most people fall short of Lilo's exemplary precedent of hooter-flaunting. I'm not sure that's the best metric to judge by.

    Thanks for the well wishes :)

  10. eww why did JLH make a song, & then a music video, gross...
    Sorry, but I don't like her and her massive fake eye lashes and her wanna be beyonce lipstick
    Stick to seeing dead ppl on channel 51 Jennifer!

    And why does she sound like she's trying to be shania twain? Get over yourself JLH!

  11. Haha Tori, you were not alone in thinking that! She flopped and we never heard a peep from her as a musical artist again. :)